Almost home....but only almost

Almost home....but only almost. I left the FOB for good on the 10th of March and have been traveling ever since. After leaving the FOB, I spent about a week at the US Embassy helping my Task Force to pick USAID's and the DoS' respective $ pockets (a lot of work,...but also a lot of fun). Then I spent another few days in Kabul, followed by another week in Kirgizstan. After which I was sent to Japan (this pissed me off, because despite my very strong protesting, they decided to send me the long way around the world rather than the short way i.e.: 20 time zones in the wrong direction rather than 4 time zones....utter stupidity...I swear I will never pay taxes again!....). [evidently, I have been unknowingly enroled in a government experiment testing the affects of perpetual jet-lag...]

So now I am in Japan trying to out process so I can finally manage my way back to the States. Out processing is proving to be very difficult. This is verbatim a conversation that I had yesterday morning while trying to clear my medical out processing requirements:

pf: "Good morning, I'm here to schedule a PHA (Physical Health Assessment)"

Airman ‘Snuffy’: "Uh, Sir, we don't do that here"

pf: "OK, where do I need to go?"

Airman S: "well, you need to call 2655"

pf: "Im here at the hospital right now...can't I make the appointment in person?"

Airman S: "Oh no Sir, that would be a violation of the 'Privacy Act'. You must call the hotline, that is the only way to make an appointment"

pf: "I'm just trying to schedule a regular PHA...how is this a violation of the Privacy Act?"

Airman S: "Sir, that would be against the law"

pf: "You mean there is a law that says I cant schedule an annual physical in person at a heath facility"

Airman S: "Sir, we don’t make the rules, we just follow them"

pf "...right off a cliff, eh?" sometimes it is completely impossible to keep sarcasm at bay

Airman S: "Sir?" He didn't get the joke. And somehow didn’t grasp the stupidity of the situation

pf: "May I speak with your supervisor?"

Airmen S: "My Supervisor?"

pf: "Yes, I think that would be best"

I repeated the conversation with Airman Snuffy's supervisor to no affect. Trying not to be the ‘ugly customer’, I relented.

Supervisor of Airman S: "Sir, please use the phone in the lobby...that's what seems to work best for every one"

I took a deep breath and tamed my urge to unleash the highly colorful explicatives that had moved speedily to the tip of my tongue. Simultaneously, I tried to understand how the Hospital had reasoned that my 'Privacy' was going to be better protected from the phone in the lobby, surrounded as it was by two dozen impatient patients. More explicatives came to mind.

I called the number. After eighteen and a half minutes of call waiting, Airman 'J', who was somewhere in the same building that I was calling from, answered the phone.

Airman J: "Good morning, Sir or Mam, my name is Senior Airman mumble mumble mumble Medical mumble 374th mumble mumble I help you?" all said in a speedy mechanical monotone....similar to an infomercial disclaimer

pf: "Hi, yes, my name is Captain F~, I'm PCSing, I'd like to schedule a PHA"

Airman J: "Have you filled out the online questionnaire?"

pf: "questionnaire?"

Airman J: "Everyone has to fill out the online questionnaire before they can make an appointment. Your Training manager should have told you this. It must be done at least 10 days prior to any appointment."

pf: "I'm sorry. I just got back from a 15 month deployment. I don't know who my training manager is. And besides, I don’t have installation internet access (my account was deleted while I was away) so I cant fill out the survey."

Airman J: "Sir, we cant do anything for you until you fill out the survey"

pf: "OK, ...well I'm here at the hospital right now; Ill come to you...where ever you are...and fill it out"

Airman J: "Sir, you cant do that. You have to go to the website and fill out the questionnaire"

I got the impression that he had had this conversation several times before. So I decided to give in to the insanity.

pf: "Alright, alright, what's the website address?"

Airman J: "You can get that from your Training Manager"

pf: "Like I said before, I've been away for 15 months, I have no idea who my Training Manager is.... Just give me the website and I'll take care of it"

Airman J: "Well I don’t know what the website is." then added "You'll have to get it from your training manager"

pf: "You don’t know what your own website is?"

Airman J: "That’s not my responsibility"

pf: "You must be kidding" It was April Fool's Day after all. I started looking around the lobby for the camera crew….but to no avail

Airman J: "I’m sorry Sir, I truly don’t know what the website is…but your Training Manager...."

I expressed my displeasure and hung up.

Naturally, back at the Squadron, no one knew anything about this website. The Training Manager was on vacation (of course) and everyone seemed to think I was crazy. All of them asking things like "Well, have you called the Hospital?" and "Well maybe you could do it in person...".

Finally, after further shenanigans, that I do not have the patience or heart to write about, I found the website. The online questionnaire asked things like "are you male or female?", "how tall are you?", "what color is your hair?" The first 20 questions continued in this fashion. Naturally, I wanted to break things and yell many bad things. These were the intensely 'private' questions that the Privacy Act supposedly prevented me from answering in person at the hospital!!!! Argh!

However, the next 20 questions were somewhat private in nature. Most of which were along the lines of: "how is your mental-heath today?", "Please rank your mental-heath on a scale of 1 to 10", "Have you felt depressed for more than one day consecutively in the last month?", "On a scale of 1 to 10 how angry are you right now?" --- finally it hit me: The whole string of shenanigans was a scheme to drum up business for the psychiatrists.... I was after all approaching a near homicidal state by the end of the day….

Man do I need a vacation!

Posted by paul at April 1, 2008 03:33 PM