Each day, as I drive 55 minutes to and from work, I tune in to National Public Radio (NPR) on my Jeep’s robust factory installed FM radio. NPR’s even keel approach to ‘news and ideas’ helps me to get a little more usefulness out of my drive. Twice a year, NPR holds a fund-drive in an effort to keep itself up and running. The most recent fund-drive occurred over the last several days. Generally, the fund drive is very annoying (especially if I have already donated) and prompts me to change the radio station. During the first two or three days of the fund-drive, I channel surf on the FM stereo, as I semi-clumsily operate my Jeep, in an effort to find a suitable listening alternative. My tune search usually goes something like this:
Fshzzz < Britany Spears > (nope)
Fshzzz < George Strait > (nope)
Fshzzz
Fshzzz
Fshzzz (any day now)
Fshzzz (O' S#^t!, I almost hit that mailbox)
Fshzzz
Fshzzz
Fshzzz < Missy “Mistamina” Elliot > (nope)
Fshzzz < “and the Lord said unto the….” > (o brother)
Fshzzz
Fshzzz < Limp Bizkit > (*Sigh*)
Fshzzz < Garth Brooks > (….)
Fshzzz < Confederate Railroad > (hell no!)
Fshzzz < John Boy and Billy morning show > (may be…)
“ OK, lets take another caller….Mornen!, yer on the John Boy and Billy show…”
“uh hello…. am I on?”
“Yer on the John Boy and Billy show…”
“Hello?”
“Hello!”
“O…uh…hi”
“…” (I can almost feel my self getting dumber)
“Did I win!?”
“….um, there wasn’t a competition…”
“….oh” (yup, I’m dumber)
Fshzzz
Fshzzz < The Begees > (Ahhh)
Fshzzz
Fshzzz (woa! That was another close one… Stupid mailboxes!)
Fshzzz
Fshzzz (Dang it! Did I miss my turn?)
Sometimes, the tune surfing process goes on for almost my entire drive, which is longer than normal because I keep missing my turns.
After a few days of tune surfing shenanigans, I realize that I am needlessly putting my life in danger. Do not ask me why I have to go through this whole danger-realization process every single time NPR has a fund-drive...
On about the third or fourth day of the fund drive, I normally pull out my portable CD player. This of course has it’s own inherent set of driving-hazard traits, but they are nothing compared to the hazards of outright tune surfing. As long as I pick the right CD, I can make it all the way to work (and back) with out touching my CD player. No matter how you consider it, The CD player seems to be a lot more cheerful (and safer) than tune surfing.
Unfortunately, during this last NPR fund-drive, my CD player failed to function properly. I could not figure out if the batteries were out, or if the CDs were to far scratched, or if the CD player it self had a problem: I tried new batteries and different CDs. I tried shaking the CD player. I tried yelling at the CD player. And yes, I tried threatening the CD player. Nothing seemed to work. Although, I must admit that at first, I had a feeling that the CD player was going to give in to some of my more creative threats…something to do with embarrassing pictures of the CD player’s mother… Eventually, I realized that I was trying to perform some of my trouble shooting while doing 60 mph in my jeep. Once again, I was putting hundreds of mailboxes and medium size rodents at risk needlessly. So I opted for the only mature choice: Silence
I am proud to stay that I put the CD player away and turned the radio off.
Rheagan and Lucas dominated the Croquet game this last weekend. Thanks to the super cool baby sling that Jen Woods made for us, Rheagan and Lucas were able to combine their tag team skills for a near perfect performance (Thanks David and Jen!). Rheagan used her keen eye and steady artist’s hand to guide the croquet ball with a never before seen finesse. Meanwhile, Lucas used his uncanny and utterly unstoppable slumber skills to ensure that his team remained well rested through out the vigorous 14-hoop course.
Jessie, our not-so-active feline, joined me to round out the tag-team competition. At first Jessie and I were very confident in our prospects. The plan was for me to use my deadly eye-hand coordination and superior intellect to navigate the fiendish 14-hoop course. Jessie planned to use her natural born feline reflexes and cat vision to keep a look out for the enemy. Our plan was perfect…. perhaps to perfect.
The game started exactly as planned. After just 3 turns, Jessie and I had taken a 2 hoop lead over Rheagan and Lucas. But little did we suspect, that at this tender juncture, the tide was about to turn. It was at this point that the sun had reached it’s zenith. The heat and light proved to much for Jessie and I. We began to tire. Meanwhile, due mainly to Lucas’s flawless napping skills, Rheagan and Lucas where still fresh. In the course of the next 2 turns, Jessie and I were down by 3 holes. The blitz continued. Six turns later the match was over with Jessie and I still stuck on the 7th hoop.
I was willing to see the game to conclusion, but Jessie, the big sissy that she is, called it quits. So much for aunt Jessie’s determination….
I feel that Jessie is already setting a bad example for Lucas. She never finishes anything that she starts. For instance last week I asked her to do the dishes. Which by the way is very easy, considering that we have a dishwashing machine. She promised up and down that she would be equal to the task. In the end she only cleaned 2 bowls: Her food dish and her water dish. What a lazy cat!
Lesson learned:
1: Lucas is a natural competitor
2: Baby slings are cool
3: Never pick Jessie as your battle partner
Fitness update: I take back everything that I said on the 16th about being an out of shape old man. Today I busted out 90 full motion hands-behind-the-head sit-ups in just a minute and forty five seconds. This is by far and away the best that I have ever done in the sit-ups department. The strange thing is that I still have, according to the Air Force, a 35 1/2” waistline.
I mention the waist measurement, because waist measurement is part of the official Air Force fitness test. The Air Force considers the waistline as the point just above the hipbone (which is usually on the same latitude as the belly button). The hipbone standard means that everyone’s love handles are included in the measurement. In order to get a perfect score on the fitness test I must have a 32 ½ inch waist measurement. The same measurement standard applies no matter how tall you are. > Which is ridiculous! Do you know of any 6-foot tall male that has a 32 ½ inch waist? I haven't had a waist that thin since I was a freshmen in High School! Gripe, gripe, gripe…
Anyways, it is nice to know that I am in shape even if the Air Force cant figure it out.
Well, I went to the gym today, as I often try to do, and discovered that I am no longer 18. I am now without a doubt 26 years old. It used to be that I could stay up most of the night, snag four quick hours of sleep, and have no problem with the rest of the day; to include a 3 or 4 mile run and lots of critical thought. Well, this is definitely no longer the case. I was up last night changing diapers and what not with my son. During the stinky duty, I was thinking to myself “This will be a piece of cake: I’m still going to get almost 5 hours of sleep total”. After all, while I was in school, I pulled an all-nighter or semi all-nighter every two or three days, and it barley phased me…. Well, I’m here to tell you that this 26 year old stuff is not all its cracked up to be! I was a total slug in the gym. I ran more slowly for a shorter distance and felt worse than I have in quite some time. What is more, through out the day, I caught myself drifting off with a blank (almost comatose) stare. It seemed like a small miracle that I was able to get anything accomplished during the day.
So, to all of those 26 year olds out there: I salute you
And to all of those almost (but not quite) 26 year olds: all that I can say is - lol
It just occurred to me that I should have written that the ‘ides of March is upon us’, instead of what I wrote yesterday, which is “the ides of March are upon us”. I apologize for my poor grammar. The syntax of the sentence in question is still correct because the plural of ides is ‘ides’. However, I got it wrong since I intended to write about only one ides in particular. It is highly likely that I will commit many more offences of this nature over the course of my future writings. So consider yourself warned!
Ah, the ides of March are upon us. > Happy Birthday Amit!
Caesar Who is it in the press that calls on me? I hear a tongue shriller than all the music Cry "Caesar!" Speak. Caesar is turned to hear.
Soothsayer Beware the ides of March.
Caesar What man is that?
Brutus A soothsayer bids you beware the ides of March.
Caesar Set him before me; let me see his face.
Cassius Fellow, come from the throng; look upon Caesar.
Caesar What say'st thou to me now? Speak once again.
Soothsayer Beware the ides of March.
Caesar He is a dreamer. Let us leave him. Pass.
(Julius Caesar 1.2.15-24)
I really wish that I had written this (see below), but alas, I did not.
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.
Author unknown.
I finally finished the LGF announcements. Late as ever, but I feel that I have a great product to show for it. Everyone should receive an individual copy of the announcement in the mail in 6 to 10 business days
I decided to take a day of Leave on this fine Wednesday. So I have taken the opportunity to beef up the photo gallery a little bit. I posted a few additional pictures featuring Lucas Garrison Frantz’s first birthday. See the gallery titled: 36 hours of labor http://www.frantzworkshop.com/gallery/.
And for all of the basic Lucas specs please go to this link: http://filebox.vt.edu/users/pfrantz/Web%20site/Lucas/Lucas1.html Before long, I will update, refine, and move the LGF page to frantzworkshop.com. Please be patient (I still have trouble spelling HTML let alone manipulating it).
First off: Super special thanks to David Woods < http://www.luxfx.com > for setting this web sit up for my family and I. You have surpassed my wildest expectations... Thank you very much! And also special thanks to Amit Chaffee for posting the very first message to frantzworkshop.com. It is quite nice to have the attention.
Well here it is: my very own big, vast, and empty web site.…. I feel like I am sitting in front of the controls to a Concord jet plane for the very first time with ‘everyone’ watching and expecting a perfect takeoff. It is a rather exhilarating feeling.... It is late, so I must bid a good night to all.
Cheers,
~ Arlie